My husband came to me with a stunning proposal. I can’t believe I’m considering it.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Do you have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How do you do that,

I am in my mid-forties and have been happily married to my husband for fifteen years. We’ve always had a good sex life; we like to try new things (toys, new positions, etc.), but are no strangers to falling into a routine, like most. Well, lately we’ve been in a bit of a recession, where we’re only having sex a few times a month. But we’ve been busy, life happens, I understand. Recently we talked about our downturn and how we wanted to get back to a better place. In that conversation the subject of fantasies came up. It turns out my husband has a new idea that he’s been really thinking about and would like to try.

He wants to help me connect with other men and possibly watch/participate. He said he discovered the genre through some videos and would love to try it if I’m interested. He really wants to be part of the whole process: helping me find someone and helping me get ready for the night. We’ve never done anything like this/invited anyone else into our bedroom before, so this feels very out of the blue. I honestly couldn’t believe he seriously suggested this to me in the first place. I told him I would think about it. The funny thing is that I’m actually considering it. I never thought I would like something like this, but I surprise myself because I actually got excited by the idea. Is it a bad idea to go into this? What should I consider before I agree? And how could we even make this happen, or should I leave the logistics to him?

—Out of my element

Dear Out of My Element,

You are the third writer in as many weeks to submit a question on the topic of ‘man wants to know that woman has or could have sex with other men.’ And after years of writing this column and nearly two decades of hearing about sexual fantasies and practices, I’m not so sure it’s scandalous to consider engaging in a little cuckolding, vixening, or other forms from ‘woman gets out’. -monogamy if you’re interested. Since both you and your husband are turned on by the idea, I think it’s worth at least thinking about it further.

Sometimes our fantasies are more fun when they stay in that realm, so be prepared for one or both of you to decide—as you get closer to enacting this in reality—that you’d rather keep sex with others as something you talk about. talk. about it, but don’t actually do it. Jealousy may be something that surfaces in your husband. So continue to share your emotions and feelings with each other, and pay attention to anything on either side that says, “Stop!”

You need to be careful about sexually transmitted infections, which means communicating with potential partners about testing and (at the very least) using condoms for penetration. If you can talk to your doctor about what your risks are, that’s ideal, but if you don’t feel comfortable, know that the top concerns in the US are HIV, Hep C, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Mycoplasma, HPV and herpes. You might want to see about getting the HPV vaccine (adults up to age 45 can get it now, if you haven’t already), because that – along with herpes and syphilis – can be transmitted quite easily, even with condom use .

How to make this happen: There are dating apps, swingers clubs and non-monogamy meetings. Whether you leave the logistics to your husband depends on how much you appreciate surprises, and more generally, how involved you want to be in the process.

How to get advice on how to do it

Ask your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.)

Dear How do you do that,

My boyfriend and I have great sex, but one problem that has been bothering me for months is that I can’t reach orgasm. I can only do it myself with a vibrator, but it takes ages and I have to tense up practically my entire body. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told that masturbation is bad. I was even taken to the doctor at a young age and my parents didn’t believe it when they told the truth. I thought it was my SSRI affecting my sex life, but I realized it was deep-seated shame and embarrassment. How can I let myself go with my boyfriend without having to tense my whole body? Should I see a sexologist?

—Crawling to the finish

Dear crawling to the finish,

SSRIs, shame and habit can all contribute to difficulty achieving orgasm. I reached out to Kari Harrison, a licensed clinical professional counselor and AASECT-certified sex therapist at The Expansive Group, for some more insight:

Orgasms can take a lot of work – emotionally, mentally and even physically… but when it comes down to it, our largest sex organ isn’t our sex organs, it’s our brain! So if shame-oriented thoughts and feelings come to mind frequently during sex, that can definitely make it harder to be present in a way that allows your body to respond to pleasure that culminates in having an orgasm. But you can have enjoyable sex without having an orgasm, and sometimes removing the pressure to have an orgasm can create space for an orgasm. With a more decent orgasm, you may find yourself becoming more attuned to what you experience sexually with your partner and what you enjoy.

It sounds like shame-based stories are what you find most disruptive and distracting during sex right now, so a mindfulness-based practice could be helpful in getting you back into your body. For example, you can try noticing every time a shame-based thought comes into your mind that takes you away from your body during sex – and brings you back to the sensations happening in your body. Try to describe them to yourself. And if you find yourself thinking about sensations or a lack of sensations instead of experiencing them, try returning your attention to the sensations themselves. A sex therapist can help you expand this practice and work with you to release some of the shame you have around sex and find deeper pleasure and connection in your body. You also mentioned SSRIS, and it’s worth noting that delayed orgasm is a common side effect of SSRIS because of the way they affect the neurochemicals involved in arousal. So if you use them, they can have an extra impact.

Dear How do you do that,

My boyfriend and I traveled long distance for the first time in our relationship. I spend six months abroad while he stays in our hometown. He will visit a few times during my period, but it will be very few, so I’ve tried to keep things interesting by trying to reintroduce sexting into our dynamic. We’ve had very little sex during our relationship (we’ve been together for three years), so it feels a little awkward/he doesn’t really give answers that are more explicit than just, “Oh, you look good,” or a suggestive thought thinking about how he can’t wait to see me again. In the meantime, I thought we could give phone sex a try. How do I introduce that here – and make it clear that I want something more?

—Send photos (or not)

Dear Send photos,

Try this as an introduction: “I miss you emotionally. I miss cuddling with you. And I also miss the sexual connection we have. I would like to play with (or experiment with) sexting and phone sex. Would you be open to talking to me about this?” Good luck.

Dear How do you do that,

I grew up in a light purity culture, certainly not the most oppressive version out there, but it still limited me mentally and logistically. I have only had two real sexual partners, including my husband. But there’s a lot I don’t know how to do, and a lot I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable with. As an appreciative recipient of oral sex, I would like to give oral sex, especially with my husband. But even when spotless and freshly showered, the region’s natural funk is a huge turnoff. It’s not like you can solve it by breathing through your mouth… How do I find out?


Dear FunkedUp,

It sounds like your problem with oral has less to do with your experience with purity culture and more to do with an aversion to the smell. Some people just don’t like the way genitals smell (or taste). Some people don’t mind some people’s genitals and mind others’ genitals. And as you’ve discovered, people sometimes marry others whose oral contact they would rather avoid.

You could ask your husband to try a few different types of soap. Like perfume, the scents of some soaps emphasize funk, while other soaps soften. But it’s possible that you just don’t enjoy getting up close and personal with his particular scent, and that’s okay. He probably married you without much oral sex in the picture, and you get to have your preferences and sensitivities.


More advice from Slate

I’m 25, female, single, and horny as hell because I’ve been taking quarantine very seriously since I live with a high-risk roommate. However, my roommate has gone home and will be staying with her parents for at least another month, maybe longer. In anticipation of this, I’ve returned to the apps in hopes of finding a steady partner during my window of freedom. I’ve also adjusted my competition parameters in terms of age, because sex with an older man has been a fantasy of mine for a long time, and I think if I’m going to push my limits a bit, now is a good time. ! Well, I had a match with a 49 year old man.